Saturday, December 6, 2008

"Happy Birthday, Jesus. Sorry your party's so lame"

Tomorrow Will & I will put up & decorate our Christmas tree, which is so exciting to me because I'm so happy I'm excited about Xmas again, let alone putting a tree up! So I thought I'd share the story of mine & Will's first xmas tree experience together.

My family has always always had a real tree. We have always gone together to a tree farm, cut it down ourselves, all that. So when it was time for me & Will to get a tree, I insisted that we get a REAL TREE.

We drive to the farm that my family used to always drive to, which is way out in the middle of fucking nowhere (which will come into account later). Will is on the phone as we pull up, we hop out of the car, shut the doors...and I immediately realize we just fucked ourselves. Will, not being a multitasker, had left the keys in the car, in the ignition. His car automatically locks when the doors shut. We are locked out of the car with it still running. Haha! Ohhh god...

So after several obscenities & cigarettes, we realize we need to call a locksmith or a towing company. Ok cool. No problem...we have a phonebook...locked in the still running car. Great. We ask the employees if they have a phonebook. NOPE. I call my mom & she reminds me that I have roadside service. Sweet! I call them up & turns out my membership had expired maybe 2 months prior. I call my mom back & she is fucking pissed. But that's neither here nor there, it's just funny to hear my mom pissed off because she is, no joke, the sweetest woman in the world.

Will's dad brings us a phonebook, but that's all he can do since he doesn't have a spare key. We call around a few places & when I finally get in touch with someone they don't know where the hell we are. I thought we were in a town where we apparently were not. So...the towing company/locksmith doesn't know how to find us so I try giving them directions which is stupid because I suck at giving directions, especially to a place that's out in the middle of fucking nowhere, as previously stated. They somehow pinpoint the jurisdiction we're in & say they'll be sending someone out shortly. YAY!

Me & Will breath a sigh of relief & decide we're going to find our first tree. I pick out a big fluffy bastard & we start cutting. That turns out to also be a pain in the ass, since neither of us have any tree-cutting experience. As this is going on I get a call from the towing/locksmith company. Bad news. Guess what? On the way to come save our fucking day, the truck gets into a fucking wreck. No joke. It wasn't serious & everyone was ok & all that. Anyway, they say that was their only truck they had available. FUCKING FANTASTIC!! By this point, the day was so ridiculous that I was laughing hysterically. We make some more calls & find another person to come rescue us. "Be there in an hour!" they say. We haul our tree to get blown & netted (that sounded so strange). We haul it to the still running car & sit on the back. We watch the happy families leave with their stupid xmas trees & dogs. We wait. And wait. Finally I see our hero!! We've been at the tree farm for a good 3 hours now & I'm just ready to call it a day. He unlocks the car & we rejoice.

I go running to get one of the employees to tie the tree to our car. We're walking & I'm telling him about our day at his farm. He agrees that it sounds like a shitty day & he's happy that we've gotten someone to get us back in our car. He's ties the tree, tells us goodbye & he's gone.

We realize....he tied our doors shut. I thought, "you have got to be fucking kidding". And I burst into hysterical laughter again. One of the back doors isn't tied so we both climb in through the backseat.

We finally get back home with our real live christmas tree, put it in the stand & it is too. big. for. the stand. I go buy another one. My mom calls again & I tell her we're back home & she reminds me that I need to cut the tree again because it seals up after it's cut down & can't absorb water. Ohhh yeahhh! Too bad we don't have saws lying around the house. We actually get the biggest knife we can find & try cutting. Because we are fucking stupid & desperate. This doesn't work so we make a trip to Target to get a saw & a new bigger stand. Everything seems to be going well when we get back home. We get the tree up & it still won't stand straight up. We say fuck it & lean it against the wall. Ghetto as hell, but I'm still insisting we not get a fake tree, especially considering the day we had getting this fucker.

It continues to slump as the days pass & one day I take the tree down, rip the lights off & everything & drag it outside my damn self. Will & I go pick out a pretty but fake tree & spend the night decorating it. And it looked beautiful. In all it's artificial glory.

That my friends, is why I'm now an artificial tree convert.


Mr X Stitch said...

Do you ever think that the Universe is saying "Rachel, leave those things alone!" :)
Mind you, artificial tress aren't much better. I'd get one in a pot and keep it alive for years if I was you. Make the Xmas tree a part of the family..!

Loca4crafts said...

What an incredible story. I don't blame you for converting to an artificial tree. Less clean up, anyway :)

Sherezada said...'s like something out of National Lampoon's Xmas Vacation! I'm glad you're home safe and all, but damn, lady, this is why they invented Xmas tree lots. ;)

Brook said...

HAHAHAH so freaking funny!!! I am glad you liked the headband!!

Swell Stitches said...

hahaha wow! That sounds like quite the ordeal! I think I wouldn't want a real tree again either if I went through that!!

~Amy Rose~

Rachel said...

haha i'm glad you guys were amused, because believe me, will & i were cracking up..weird huh? it was just too ridiculous not to laugh at! i will probably never get a real tree again, at least not for a while.